changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
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me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
*checks Timeline*…
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.