@birbigs
@MomofTeen I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
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@MomofTeen 
@MarloMeekins Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
@Dad_At_Law 10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
@errdayhustlah No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
@AlmightyBored During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
@Reverend_Scott Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
@TheTweetOfGod “I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
@OneFunnyMummy Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
@GloriaFallon123 Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
@LuvPug If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.