Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon