Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

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I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.


Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot


10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.


No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.


During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.


“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).


Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.


Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with


If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.