*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*has no idea what a book even is*
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol