[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
This is I, Robot all over again
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.