*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Rt to bother an English speaker
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac