Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)