*changing sex positions*
ok now let’s do a silly one
![]()
You Might Also Like
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
![]()
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Favourite diary entry ever
![]()
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”