channeling her this year
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We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.