Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[sees some cut grass]
[sees some ripped leaves]
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*