@tallentennant
@jjhartinger Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
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@jjhartinger 
@TheAlexNevil 12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
@VerbsRProudest Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
@DionneMcNutt There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
@1_swarthy_dude Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
@slackerjorge Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
@Fred_Delicious [sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
@jonnysun [throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
@KalvinMacleod ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
@AimeeHelene1 Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!