Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
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[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Important reminders
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?