Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
You Might Also Like
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.