Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
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A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.