Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
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Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Come back with a warrant
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.