* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me buying fruit and veg
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.