Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Get in loser we’re going crying
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
🚲+physics = winner
Squirrels before girls.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken