Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?