Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?