CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
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Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
jesus christ confetti not now
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.