“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
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My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
All set.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
saving face 👀
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.