Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
You Might Also Like
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
don’t we all
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.