Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
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WHAT SIGN IS SHE
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
so weird how every mom was born today
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*