@HushJared

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

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@LuvPug

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

@droidbears

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

@TheRolo

[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?

Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.

@HandyJack420

Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?

-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks

@murrman5

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

@MrFilmkritik

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@fro_vo

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

@FlyoverJoel

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

@sixfootcandy

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)