Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I am crying
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.