*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.