[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
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Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Just a friendly reminder!
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.