chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
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It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
im 7 sauces long
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.