*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
welp
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.