Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Good news
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.