Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
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His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system