Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

My circle of trust is a meatball

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?

Husband: Yes. We had more money.

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.