chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.