[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
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A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
he was correct
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever