Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
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violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.