*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
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My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*