@MasterOfFury “Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
@Rich_McCarthy Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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@MasterOfFury 
@meladoodle Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
@david8hughes [puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
@Cunda22 Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
@radtoria “Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
@MarfSalvador [Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
@flashember [Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
@BradBroaddus I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
@KalvinMacleod WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
@Cornjerker78 Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.