Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK