check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
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3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
“I took care of your clown problem.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives