Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…