Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
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a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: Do you want some more toast?
Me: Yes, what?
Me: What’s the magic word?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..
* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms