Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
You Might Also Like
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.