Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
You Might Also Like
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Only Americans understand
Weirdly Wednesday.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves