“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
You Might Also Like
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
✌🏽
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.