Check your privilege
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Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]