[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
This came to me in a dream.