checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
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No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.