checking out some reviews of my local library
You Might Also Like
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome