*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.