Checkmate, Flat Earthers
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My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Planet of the Apps.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes