*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!