[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us