[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
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Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
me doing my best
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I don’t hate children, just yours.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.