Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.