*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
#Caturday
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.